This otherwise festive season has forced me to take notice of a disturbing thread in my life (perhaps more common than I expect, but we'll see...) I'm beginning to see how easy it may be to eventually doubt just about EVERYTHING.
This is the first year I've encountered that dread of REpurchasing the exact same item for someone. I've heard of other people experiencing this feeling from time to time...it's possible that I have, on a forgotten occasion, done this once before. That's fair, right? Well...try EVERYONE. Every single gift I purchased, I developed a strange fear...a fear that engendered profound doubt of my grasp on personal history. I imagined that the item was a "nice match" for the person in question's taste...so, doesn't it make sense that this blessed union of creative purchasing and character analysis would have occurred in the past? Even as recently as last year?
Sometimes it was a mere "flinch"...a brief flash of cautionary doubt...the type of thing that would result in a stunt pilot to bail or Evil Keneval (sic) to hit the brakes on the ramp leding up to the 23 limo's in Caesar's parking lot. In those examples, potentially disastrous, sure...but here, after a few moments, water under the bridge. "Hey...no hard feelin's, me. You're still the goods." Other times, the doubt induced a series of related questionings...a slew of reflections and recaps that spawn a full-fledged self-investigation. "Did I already get this? If so, why can't I remember when exactly? If not, then I'm not as good as a friend as I thought I was..."
I guess it's clear that I've taken issue with my memory. The foundation of which is "If my past experiences become less and less concrete, then how can I base new decisions on them?" As I grow older, the edges are blurred on everything...the contrast is turned way down on my screen. I even noticed tonight, driving through some pituresque scenery, that the amount of "picture" within the span of my vision (peripheral and otherwise) seems cropped...all Pan & Scan. Am I squinting more these days?